A Dictionary of Science

This book is, quite frankly, a work of utter genius not in a Dave Eggers sense but the old school brilliant way. The classy, unadorned cover makes this the book equivalent of that grandfather we all have, or all should have, that shames you by wearing a tie even when asleep (and also calls the local cab driver "that giant negro fellow.") Similarly, just as ones grandfathers knowledge of all things ended in about 1955, when he retired, this book has not aged well and would doubtless lead any keen young scholar  trying to pass his eleven plus astray. Although clearly they should being to the local comp rather than succumbing to lure of the local toffery.

In fact this mighty tome probably underpinned the scientific knowledge of two of my educational nemeses while at prep school and some other silly school that rather shames my socialist leanings. Mr. Preece was a noted incompetent famed for his scientific horror stories including the famed story of the man who ate a pork scratching and ended up having all his limbs amputated (I'm not really sure what the moral of that particular story was but I've yet to eat a pork scratching for fear of ending up like a creation of Dalton Trumbo) and the dangers of carbon monoxide (you get sleepy, ever so sleepy and then ...... YOU DIE). He also managed to leave me and another young private school boy behind in the Science Museum leaving us vulnerable to the evil glances of passing Paedophiles and slack jawed yokels from passing comprehensive schools with their radical hair styles and unpolished shoes. As for Mr. Croft, you Sir got your comeuppance when that heaven sent seagull fired down that angelic shit onto your head whilst you trundled along a beach on the Isle of Wight. Never has being a 10 year old fat, gruddily ginger prep school boy been so utterly wondrous. Sadly, it all ended in tears when we managed to accidentally flood our hotel and had to leave the island under armed guard.

And just to prove how amazing this dictionary is I've included my favourite entry (well second favourite after heroic zero nought definition that is a work of art) that I'm sure will have fallen out of any contemporary dictionary of science despite it being a key part of modern civilisation. The electric bell. Amazing. Like the Dictionary of embroidery, it is this sought of basic knowledge that will put me at the forefront of post-Rapture society.